I Dunno... I guess I'm just scared or something... I feel like... I'm not sure, it's just I'm so unsure of everything...
"I have to go to college" bullshit like that... it's just... fuck...
I remember this one time, me and my friends took a train down to chinatown, and we'd just cross the street, when a poor man came up to us. He asked if he could draw a picture of us for a $1.50... We said no. he told us how, "You have to understand, I was in prison, and one day I just picked up this pencil and this pad of paper right here and just started drawing. It saved my life. It was a miracle; God gave me this skill from nowhere. It was a miracle!" We passed him on like every other poor person who approached us in the city... or... anywhere for that matter.
Fuck, I'm so fucking afraid of that... I need something to tell me it'll be allright, that I can stop lying to myself, now, and I'll still be okay.
As far as I know I was put on this earth to direct films. That's what I feel in me. Or, at least, I FELT it. Now I'm not so sure... I was sitting in film class, and it happened over a series of 2 or 3 days... It's all because of Citizen Kane... The teacher told us about how people can have everything, and feel like they have nothing. I've heard of that sort of thing before, and every time it's talked about, the feeling of emptyness is described as a hole. A hole inside them.
I thought about it- Was I one of those people? The one's that will never find true happiness, no matter how successful they are? Would that be me?
It didn't matter if I was after that thought. That's when it hit me. This wave of discomfort within myself. It just barely touched the toes of my soul that day, but over the next few hours in that class, the tide rose and washed over my ankles... my legs... then the rest of me, pulling me down and drowning me. I'm still under that water, drowned, or drowning... I haven't given up, yet, so... I guess I'm still drowning... I hope so, anyways. I don't wish to give up, not yet anyways. I'd rather live out my life first.
Anyways, what I'm trying to say is... I lost the feeling of that purpose, now... I, for the longest time, knew that there was nothing left of me but film. Creating it, directing it, scripting it. It's what I HAD to do. Nothing, and I do, truely mean NOTHING else mattered. But since we watched that film, nothing has made me feel that same way. I just pretend. I pretend I feel that way when scripting, when reading... all of it, I just pretend it is there, and do my best to will it to be there, but.... It's gone... I'm just hoping, in my tear-filled mourning that I find it once more... Because if I can't... I just... I don't think there's anything left for me. Might as well leave and find out what's going on in the rest of the world. Find myself "out there", wherever that may lead to.
Don't know why I'm writing this here... Just needed someplace to vent, I guess. I remembered that guy in chinatown and had to type something, somewhere before I went insaine. Thanks for listening.